I identify as a Dominant female. And here at the Tampa Bay Phoenix Club, we run a regular event called “FemDom Friday.” (Usually every third Friday, but make sure to check our Calendar to verify it’s on the schedule.)

But what does that mean?

“What is FemDom Friday?”

“How do you meet FemDoms?”

“What happens?”

“Can I talk to people?”

“What do I wear?”

“I’m _______, am I too ________ to be a submissive?”

“Can I hire a FemDom?”

“Do you have someone there who will play with me?”

Let me get the last two out of the way: we do not allow professional Dom/mes of any gender to conduct business on our premises. It is against our rules and will result in being banned. PERIOD. Also, we are a private-membership club. We do not provide anyone to play with our members, we do not have Dom/mes on staff to play with people, we have no “pay to play” staff, and we do not arrange or facilitate any play arrangements. We do not have “performers” or any other kind of people who we provide for our members. We also cannot and do not make any referrals to any professional Dom/mes, nor do we have any business relationships with any professional Dom/mes.

That said, let’s talk about what you CAN expect at a FemDom event.

At any regular event, of course, Female Dominants are welcomed. But sometimes, it’s nice for the ladies to have a night to themselves in the dungeon. Any female-identified Dominant is welcomed on our special FemDom nights, as are submissives of any gender identification. (Male switches need to have their submissive hats firmly in place.)

We get a lot of questions from submissives, especially male submissives, about what happens at a FemDom event. In general, other than the fact that it’s specifically for female Dominants, it’s not much different than any other regular play party. Except the ladies are in charge.

We understand that for a new submissive, especially a new male submissive, it can sometimes be overwhelming to come out to an event for the first time, especially alone, and doubly especially if you don’t know anyone.

Honestly? Approach your first event with no expectations other than you’ll come out, meet some people and talk, and generally socialize. You might or might not meet a Dominant who wants to play. But you can certainly meet other male submissives and talk and realize no, you’re NOT alone.

How do you approach a female Dominant? In general, the same way you’d approach anyone else socially: politely and courteously. As long as they’re not engaged in a scene with someone, start out by introducing yourself and asking if they are available to talk.

And then…talk. It’s really that simple. No, it might not lead to anything more than talking. But by breaking the ice and treating them as a person and not a fantasy come to life, you’ll learn that they’re people just like you.

Forget all the fantasies you see on Kink.com and elsewhere. Just like MaleDoms, FemDoms come in all shapes, sizes, colors, interests, etc. And they’re real people, not just a fetish for you to get off on.

What should you wear? Well, as long as you’re “street legal” through the door, that’s up to you. If you were going to go out someplace and try to meet someone and wanted to make a good impression, would you wear flip-flops and ratty shorts? Um, no. Maybe to a surfing contest, but not to a dungeon. Not saying you need to be clad head-to-toe in leather or Latex, but jeans and a button-up shirt or something similar isn’t a bad idea. (Again, think presentation.)

We frequently get asked if full nudity by male submissives is allowed. Yes, our dress code permits full nudity inside the play space (please sit on a towel) but honestly? If you are a new submissive male who’s never even talked with a FemDom face to face, chances are if you’re standing there with your bare junk in her face, she’s not going to be interested in talking to you. This isn’t a nudist-specific venue, so it can be off-putting to someone if a naked stranger comes up to them and tries to engage them in conversation.

Also, keep in mind that, just like many male Dominants, a female Dominant might not play with people she’s not partnered with already. (For example, I only play with my Sir and my Pack, as a top or a bottom.) But it doesn’t mean you can’t talk to someone (as long as they’re open to that) as one person to another person. They might know someone looking for a play partner. Or, after they get to KNOW you, they might be willing to play with you. Many Dominants don’t play with someone right after meeting them simply because they want to get to know them first, talk to them, gauge their interest and play level, all of that. So don’t get your feelings hurt if someone doesn’t want to play with you.

Also, please keep in mind that just because you go to one event and don’t meet anyone to play with, that doesn’t mean you will never meet someone. Different people go to different events, and when an event is held only once a month, sometimes you might not meet someone.

But you know what? The Tampa Bay area is CHOCK full of weekly events such as munches and coffee times. For example, the Pinellas Coffee Time group meets every Wednesday, usually in a restaurant somewhere different every week, and on the third Wednesdays here at the Phoenix. Go to those as often as you can, because you’ll meet a wider range of people. And you might meet a female Dominant at one of those who is open to playing, or at least to talking to you. Again, don’t just go to one event and then give up. Sometimes it takes going to an event several times to loosen up, get to know people, and become a familiar face.

There is this common misconception that all FemDoms are ball-busting, man-hating, Latex-wearing bitches who like to stomp balls and basically be soul-eaters of wimpy submissive men. And there’s this misconception that submissive men are wimpy noodles.

Um, no. Are some like that? Well, okay, maybe, but the vast majority do not fit either of those stereotypes. Frankly, it takes a pretty darn strong person to be a submissive, of either gender. There’s nothing to be ashamed of, because in many cases, it’s a well-needed mental vacation for people who have to be strong and Dominant in all other areas of their life. And as for the stereotypes about FemDoms, well, you’re more likely to see me in jeans and Crocs than you are in Latex. (That stuff’s really hot and uncomfortable when you’re trying to top someone anyway. LOL)

And it doesn’t matter if you’re overweight or have health issues or what age you are (as long as you’re at least 18 years of age or older). There are, literally, members of our club who range from 18 to 80+, and from skinny twigs to extremely “ample”, and everywhere in between the extremes. There is no limitation to who can participate in this lifestyle. If you can get out to events, you can participate. Don’t let your body image stop you.

People are PEOPLE. They come in a rainbow of interests and kinks and play styles. So ditch all your expectations and preconceived notions and set out with the goal to simply meet people and make new friends. Oh, and to have fun. 🙂

(Tymber Dalton is an author and the web wench and social media sadist for the Tampa Bay Phoenix Club.)